I am discouraged. Not at anything that has been done or said but rather I am discouraged with myself and where I am at in my journey. For the last year I have been apart of a group called Renovare. The purpose of this group is to practice spiritual diciplines within your daily life and to meditate on classic writers and theologans such as Francis of Assisi, John of the Cross, Henri Nouwen, Teresa of Avila, just to name a few. For the most part I have enjoyed doing these daily readings and developing a deeper knowledge of who God is and what He requires of us in our daily lives. Yes there have been some little "God moments" in the last year, but lately as I have listened to others in the group and have read some of the readings, I have felt like I don't quite measure up. I feel almost inadequate. God doesn't speak to me the ways everyone else seems to experience Him. I feel like here I am trying so hard to be the person God desires me to be and I just don't quite measure up. I hate it.
At tonight's monthly meeting, my discouragment and my own thoughts about myself and the place in which I am at on my journey almost drove me to tears because I feel so frustrated with myself.
At times I feel like life is swirling around me and I am in the middle at a stand point, somewhat numb or frozen. My entire life has become school. I love school, I love what I am doing and I believe that it is definitely where God wants me to be, but everything else in my life is 5 steps ahead of me and I am left behind. At the end of the day when my studying is done, the last thing that I want to do is open another book or have another conversation with another person. And for some reason it seems as though God takes more energy than talking with a friend when it really shouldn't. I am tired and exhausted and somedays all I want to do is cry. I want so badly to be able to experience God and to hear his voice and direction in my life, but I can't seem to do so with all of the craziness going on in my head.
So I find myself tonight feeling lost and broken. I am here on my knees and I suppose this is the time where it's ok for me to throw my hands up and say "God, here I am all of me. Please take me."
2 comments:
Kara,
I think I can relate...at least with the whole school competing with quality time with God, part. Sometimes I think that I am spending more time pondering theological questions than I am embracing or allowing myself to be embraced by a loving God.
Which begs the question, what does a healthy spirituality look like? I think there is no one answer (which is frustrating and all the same freeing) and that perhaps the struggle is part of the relationship with God.
I just finished reading a biography of a woman named Edith Stein. She was a Philosopher-Christian-Jew-Mystic (what a loaded title), who died in Aushwitz (one of the worst Nazi Concentration Camps) and it was interesting to read about how she, even though she was a Carmelite Nun who had a rigorous and disciplined daily life, would still struggle with how to balance her love for philosophy and scholastacism with her relationship with God. There was no clear solution for her, other than she would use her breaks to connect with God.
As for your part about feeling that talking to God is more difficult than a friend...once again, I can relate. However, I have come to the conclusion lately that we too often over-complicate "time with God". I think if you are beat after some rigorous studying, you can rest in the fact that God delights in your hard work and your using your God given gifts to do something with your life.
Maybe this all sounds cliche, but I hope that this encourages you!
Zac
Zac - wow, thanks for your encouragement and words of wisdom. I didn't think any of it was cliche. Sometimes you need the wisdom and thoughts of others to help you out. Thanks!
Post a Comment