It Just Hurts

As I write this post, there are few words to describe what and how I am feeling today and through this past week. It's been long.

I am exhausted.
I am worn out.
I am frustrated.
I hurt. 

Tuesday I found myself in the hospital with intense headache pain. Simply put, it was awful. I don't remember much from my time there. While in Assiniboine Park with a friend, I felt strange. We had been sitting down at a picnic table and when I stood up to leave, I felt dizzy and extremely nauseous. Initially I thought I had just gotten up too fast, but it didn't go away. It didn't take long before my knees were weak and I could hardly stand. The tremors began and that's the last I remember. I left the house that morning with a headache, but that is not unheard of. In fact, I always leave the house with a headache so I didn't think anything of it. I remember laying in the hospital bed feeling scared and frustrated. My breathing was hard to control. I couldn't seem to catch my breath and I panicked. After some nice shots of Demerol and Morphine to take the edge off, I started to feel better (Kristy pointed out to me that the nurse admistering the drugs in my ass was cute and very nice. At least there was one perk). Those are some very nice drugs. I had another CT Scan and bloodwork done. They all came back normal. In the end, the doctor informed me that there is absolutely nothing wrong with. I'm glad there was no mass growing on my brain, but hearing that I was completely fine sucked. I'm not fine and I wanted to yell that at the top of my lungs, but I couldn't.

In hindsight, I wonder if anxiety from this week being a hard week of remembering triggered a significant headache. It's hard to say for sure. It's possible. It could have just been a really, really bad headache. I'm thankful that I had the opportunity to get to the hospital so that doctors could see that these headaches I experience are not made up. They are real and they hurt like hell. So, what's next on the health to do list? I'm not quite sure. I have an MRI coming this fall, but in the meantime there is a lot of waiting that is needing to happen.

I don't want to wait.
I'm tired.
I am exhausted.

So where does Jesus fit into all of this? I've been practicing just "being" in the presence of Jesus as that is all I can seem to do. I have been having difficulty forming words for Jesus. It seems all I can muster up are groans, sighs and tears. Thankfully Jesus can interpret those for me. What freedom there is in knowing that I don't have to have neatly packaged and eloquently spoken prayers for Jesus to hear them. He gets my pain. He sees my hurts and He sees my tears. I don't always feel His presence near me, but I need to trust that He is here, present in this moment.

This weekend I am hoping and praying for Jesus time. For moments of healing and joy, even if they are only for a few moments. I need to trust that Jesus is enough and in His presence there is peace.